October 15, 2025
As children, we can’t wait to grow up and have a family, most of all, children. Having a family is usually a wonderful thing. Our children are born so cute and cuddly. They grow up gradually. We think when they turn 18, they will be gone. On their own with their own families. They have their jobs, spouses, children, and lives. What could be better?
This isn’t how many families end up. There are drugs, mental illness, death, and all the assorted mishaps that break up a family. But what happens to the children in these situations? They sometimes go to their grandparents’ house if they haven’t entered the foster system.
This is happening more and more these days. With all the drug use we hear about, and the lack of mental health resources, our children are suffering. Not that living with grandparents is a bad thing, it just upsets the expected family dynamic. Just the fact that they have lost the security of their parents is terrifying, let alone having to move to a new location. There are new rules, schools, friends lost, and who knows what. Depending on their age and the situation, there is also the stigma of what caused this situation.
Then there are the grandparents. They have settled into their own lives over the years with their adult children out of the house. Their adult children are living their own lives. Grandparents have been able to do what they want, travel, and have alone time to reflect on their lives. Now they have children, again. Sometimes the children are very young, infants or toddlers, or teenagers. When we have our own children, we grow with them and get used to their wants and needs. Now, all of a sudden, you have this “person” living with you. This isn’t what you expected your “Next Chapter” to look like.
Yes, you have a relationship with this child/children, but it isn’t as a parent. It’s a grandparent, which is a less restrictive position. Now you have to set boundaries, find doctors, and register them for school, if necessary. Then there’s the financial side. Not all grandparents have the finances to make this change. So, you go to Health & Welfare for assistance.
In 2011, I experienced this change. My granddaughter came to live with us at age 14. I love my granddaughter, so there was no question of whether I would take her in. My husband loved kids, and according to him, it was a no-brainer.
We got all the technical issues taken care of with school, doctors, and Health & Welfare. Then we settled down to live life. Well, having a teenager in your house at any time is not “settled”.
When you start out, you think, “Oh, I’ve done this before, no problem”. I raised this child’s parent; it shouldn’t be much different. Raising a grandchild is much different than your own child. They know it and use it. The times change, ideas change, people change, and technology changes. Trying to catch up with “the times” you talk to teachers and friends. Technology now is overwhelming as to what it can do, and what they can do with it.
Unfortunately, the ideas you had when you raised your children don’t always apply to your grandchildren. If this child is a teen, there are teenage hormones, relationships, boyfriends or girlfriends, and dating. Dress codes, friends, outings, and all the other things that make kids kids.
The wonderful times with your own teens return to haunt you. The haunt comes with tantrums, stubbornness, and the roll of the eyes. These are the times you wonder if you did the right thing, if you can handle this. But you did, and you’d do it again. It’s hard, trying, emotionally draining, and stressful, but you can do it. You learn to take that extra minute to answer a question, take a breath, or even walk away. You’re learning. They’re learning.
As we age, we think our responsibilities should be fewer, less stressful. We do less that requires stress. So, when we are thrust into this new role, we react to our emotions more than the situation. We have this moment. We first react to the situation as a parent. Then we step back and realize they are our grandchild. We can’t have the same reaction we had with our children; these are not our children. They are our responsibility but reprimanding them has to be more like a teacher than a parent.
I can’t tell you what it is that changes going from a parent to a grandparent. There are parts of being a grandparent who is parenting that are tough. Then some are easier and more rewarding. They do grow up and go on their own or go back to their parents. We’ve done our job to the best of our ability. Be glad we were there for them.
There are numerous options out there to help in these situations. Here are some.
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren – HelpGuide.org
Grandparents raising grandchildren – The Salvation Army NZFTS
Grandparents Raising Grandkids Resources
Rural Realities - For women about women 