As most alcoholics know, there is a story behind their addictions. The story that pushes us to take that next drink. To make the drink, the most important thing in our lives, and do anything to get it. It’s the story that makes us hide from life with alcohol. We run from our feelings, fears, relationships, responsibilities, pain, trauma, and many more. The feelings of inadequacy, failure, shame, and all the other human ones. The hurt that we try to numb. We refuse to live life or even be present in it.
I never understood what made me or others continue to drink, knowing it would eventually kill us. I know for me, I didn’t understand the risk I was facing with each drink. Years ago, someone told me I should think about getting some therapy. I figured I probably did need it, but for the life of me, I couldn’t see why. I couldn’t think of anything I would want to tell anyone that would fix my life or how I felt. It took another couple of decades to look in the mirror and see the problem.
Living in LA, drinking, drugs, and parties are just part of life, no matter who you are. I remember going camping and everyone was drinking beer by 10:00 am. or earlier. That was the norm. Drinking alcohol was a normal part of life. Go out to eat, cocktails, then to the bar afterward. Even if it was brunch. Relationships don’t last when both parties lack the ability to form emotional connections or have emotional awareness. An alcoholic’s awareness is only about themselves.
After my divorce, I really fell into a hole. I was drinking way too much and doing stupid things. Having too many bad relationships. One in particular was very abusive, with black eyes and strangulation. I had to get a restraining order against him. If it wasn’t for the drinking, I probably wouldn’t have stayed after the first black eye.
Several years later it came to me I needed to change my life. I don’t think I had a clue ‘what’ to change, so I changed my location. I ended up moving to Idaho. I knew if I stayed where I was, I would soon be dead.
By 1993, in Idaho, I was ready to say Enough is enough. I wanted a real relationship that would last, that didn’t include bars, hangovers, anger, or lots of drinking. I wanted a life. I had moved from LA to Idaho to have that life. Now I had to change myself!
It was a cold February morning when I woke up, not knowing how I got home the night before. I had been at a local bar about 20 miles away on a 2-lane highway covered in ice. The road had about 1 inch of ice on it. I remembered drinking and leaving the bar. I didn’t remember anything after that. When it all hit me that I could have died, I made the decision. I had to quit. I couldn’t have a life if I wasn’t alive.
That whole day I felt like I was a failure. Looking at how my life had evolved to this point. How could I have let this happen? This only happens to other people or in the movies.
The next day I went to a local AA meeting. That was the best decision I ever made. I felt ok. I worked hard, read everything, and did the 12 steps honestly. I was going to beat this thing that had complete control of my life.
It’s been thirty years since my last drink. It wasn’t easy and yes, I fell once, very hard. The one thing I was told at that point was, you can fall, but you can also get back up. A fall and getting back up is not a failure. You can fall 100 times, but as long as you get back up, you haven’t failed.
I hope this helps someone out there to have a better life without alcohol.
Find A.A. Near You | Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcohol use disorder – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic
5 Stages of Alcoholism: Signs, Symptoms, and Treatments
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